MyFoJo

Jelly donuts… YUMMMMM

My name is Lexy Rose, I’m sitting here sprawled on my floral print hand me down couch, inhaling an entire box of jelly doughnuts and listening to Nysnc’s “tearing up my heart”.  Been sitting here for about 30 minutes staring at the dollops of jelly that landed on my chest and I’m fairly certain that that bit of jelly looks like a dog lifting his leg.  But hey, life isn’t so bad, Right?  I mean, So what if my boyfriend, of 8 years, the man I financially supported, cooked for, cleaned up after and babied while he worked on his “Business adventures” broke up with me stating that “Trotting” around a rhinoceros in public is becoming humiliating, and no one actually needs a job right? I mean my boss didn’t really mean to fire me, he was probably thinking about the other mid-thirties, overweight, “disaster of a woman, who cries like a congested Pug” named Lexy.  My phone starts ringing again for the 15^th time in the last 30 minutes, Glancing at my pink rhinestone covered phone (an unfortunate gift from my aunt) a shiver runs down my spine, making a bit of jelly fly off my cheek and land on my arm, keeping my eyes locked on the phone I lift my arm to my mouth and lick off the jelly.  The constant ringing of the telephone is beginning to irritate me, and instead of imaging all the ways I could torture “The man who must not be named” It morphs in to how I can torture “The man who must not be named” while using the telephone as a projectile.  However picking up the phone would be a very very bad idea, because I know that the person calling over and over again is my mother. God Bless her, but that woman could irritate the stink off shit.  Elanora Bethany Ann Walker was created by god to teach us patience, at least that is what Pastor Robert used to tell me growing up.  My mother god bless her soul is never seen without her worn off white purse, floral print church dress buttoned up to her chin, crisp white gloves, this big floppy straw hat she got at Miss Andy’s Garage sale 30 years ago, knee highs that are too big and are always rolling down to her ankles, Orthopedic white tennis shoes, and a scowl that could scare the panties off a nun.  The ringing stops again and I squeeze my eyes shut praying for all I’m worth that by some freak accident a ferret manages to worm his way into my mother’s home and chew through all the phone cords in the house.  Carefully I roll over on to my stomach, with my ass in the air, my unbuttoned pants have slipped and are halfway down my butt revealing my “Work appropriate knickers” my face is smashed into the cushion smearing jelly into the ugly fabric. My arms are palms up stuck to my sides, I manage to get my hands underneath me and push myself up into somewhat of a doggie style position, I walk my hands up the back of the couch and manage to stand up straight.  The phone starts ringing again and I tip toe over to the phone and carefully grip the phone cord and rip it out of the wall, plaster fly’s and I realize the I have manage to rip the phone cord out of the wall as well as the tear the wall plate off as well.    Standing there staring at the mess I have just made out of my wall , I decide that It is time I rinse off the tears, jelly, and powdered sugar and make a trip to the corner store for I’m out of Doughnuts. 

24 October 2011 ·